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Wednesday, June 25, 2008

I lost my self

I got many emails and many post ideas to talk about. Some people emailed me with great questions that needs to be addressed. Well, actually my opinion about some issues need to be addressed, and I just haven’t been motivated to write much.

I wanted to write every day about my life, but I don’t know if I can today. I have just been feeling sick. I am not physically sick that I can’t walk or talk like some people think. I am just tired and unhappy. I have no joy in life anymore, and I feel lost and confused.

I am completely lost. I really am. I don’t feel like my self anymore. I forgot who I am, and what I tried to pursue in life. I keep thinking that no, I want to shape up my destiny. I want to control it, but I can’t. I am just really depressed and very stressed out. It’s not just work, but life in general. I want a change and need a chance so badly and so quickly. I think it is just patience. I lost every ounce of it and it is making me depressed!

Ahh.. I am just going to sleep. I will go to work tomorrow and will say… quang...quang...quang.....


Friday, June 20, 2008

All day deleting

As I sat there reading his emails, one after the other I realized that my past life is over. Every time I read one, and saw what my reply was, I thought to my self that the way I wrote to him was the same as I wrote on my blog. Same style and assertive tone. I wasn’t mean. I only became mean in the end. The last few emails and my blog ideology were identical.

I always wondered why I was such an expressive writer. It’s because of all the emails. People who know me in person know that I communicate mostly via writing such as: emails, text messages, and chat. In the final year that I knew him, the only communication that we had was through email or text messages. He didn’t want to talk to me, or see me, but he used email to show his true colours. The colours were a bit faded, but I increased the contrast to see better. I really did.

I pity my self till this day that I used this blog as revenge. Revenge to not only him, but anyone that bothered me. I made it public, and I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t end what I started, and I let it be the tool to end everything. I had to end it. No other method worked. I wanted to end it by hate. It was the only way that I could think of. I became heartless towards him and made him hate me and hate everyone around me. I knew he was weak, and those who are weak are easily manipulated and believe anything you say. He believed it. I ended it. I spent all day reading, and all day deleting. That’s all I did.


Thursday, June 5, 2008

One-sided love

I was reading a few articles about relationships and I came across the term “one-sided love.” Every time I hear or read that phrase I quiver in my seat and think of what I did to my life. You can ask so many people if they were ever in a one-sided love relationship, and they would say yes. Others may argue that there is no such thing as one-sided love. Love has to be mutual. I disagree with that.

Love is not mutual. Not all the time. Sometimes people pretend to love you for various unknown selfish reasons, and you think it is mutual love. Sometimes people pretend to love you because they just need the company and to show off. Once you see any sign of this happening in a relationship, the other person is being used and abused emotionally. Then you automatically know that the relationship will end soon and become a long lasting what if.

What if? Ahh.. I think I am having a bad day. I think it has to do with my pointless life. It also has to do with it being wedding season and I keep getting dragged to people’s weddings that I don’t know and wonder why they are 6 years younger than me and getting married.

Does my life suck or what?