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Friday, June 20, 2008

All day deleting

As I sat there reading his emails, one after the other I realized that my past life is over. Every time I read one, and saw what my reply was, I thought to my self that the way I wrote to him was the same as I wrote on my blog. Same style and assertive tone. I wasn’t mean. I only became mean in the end. The last few emails and my blog ideology were identical.

I always wondered why I was such an expressive writer. It’s because of all the emails. People who know me in person know that I communicate mostly via writing such as: emails, text messages, and chat. In the final year that I knew him, the only communication that we had was through email or text messages. He didn’t want to talk to me, or see me, but he used email to show his true colours. The colours were a bit faded, but I increased the contrast to see better. I really did.

I pity my self till this day that I used this blog as revenge. Revenge to not only him, but anyone that bothered me. I made it public, and I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t end what I started, and I let it be the tool to end everything. I had to end it. No other method worked. I wanted to end it by hate. It was the only way that I could think of. I became heartless towards him and made him hate me and hate everyone around me. I knew he was weak, and those who are weak are easily manipulated and believe anything you say. He believed it. I ended it. I spent all day reading, and all day deleting. That’s all I did.